On being alone

I sometimes forget how solitary I am by nature. I spend the majority of my time alone and always have, but it still surprises me when I enjoy something because of its natural solitariness. I did my 5 mile walk by myself today and enjoyed the time to think. I discovered that I still think I am a Wonder Woman clone who can do much more than I can actually do. I have conversations like this with myself:

The lake is only 9.2 miles long, which is only 4.2 miles more than I was planning on walking; I think I should go ahead and walk the whole thing.
No, little mess, you cannot. Not yet.

And on and on. I ended up being glad that I only did the 5 miles when the last 1/2 mile felt like an eternity. The fortunate thing about doing this walk alone today was the time it afforded me to think about what it means to actually be alone. Many of you have asked me why I am doing this hike by myself and I don't think I've given a good answer because the answer both makes me sad and proud. I'm doing it alone because that is what I am.

Please don't mistake my meaning here and think that I am pitying myself for my aloneness; far from it. I have made very deliberate decisions in my life that have led me to this place where I feel my aloneness most keenly; but notice that I do not say that I am lonely. Truthfully, I have never been lonely. Which is why I am also proud of the fact that I am doing this hike alone. It shows that I am still strong enough to walk through this world as an independent woman who loves herself enough to grab all of the happiness she can find.

For all the popularity of this hike, it is dangerous. People do die. I'm OK with that. I don't have a death wish, I don't want to die, but I made my peace with dying years ago when I was confronted with the probability of it, sooner rather than later. Here's the thing, though: I don't think I'm going to die on this hike because I am a strong, independent woman who can and will do this. I will. And I don't need anyone else to help me, to cheer me, or to walk beside me.

I have got this.

It is mine.